Dead whilst Living, Living Whilst Dead
Posted by Sabbiyah on May 26, 2012 in Blog | 6 comments
I have been absent from my blog for a while, for a number of reasons, many incidents have perturbed me within the past month or so, from the rochdale sex grooming case to the on going trial of Shafilea Ahmed, I guess I didn’t want to write anything, as I was trying to gather my thoughts so I could clearly articulate the unease I was experiencing following such atrocities.
Whilst both issues have really disturbed me, it is the case of Shafilea Ahmed that I would like to discuss. (I have written about sexual grooming in a previous post)
Shafilea Ahmed is not the only girl who has experimented or ‘succumbed to the western way of life.’ Many third generation girls are growing up challenging many of the cultural practises of their parents and grandparents. It is a common fact. What is it about this that causes so much conflict within a South Asian household? I never understood it, until I read a paper by Maria Stern, for my dissertation, entitled ‘Reading Mayan Women’s In/security.’ In this paper, Stern talks extensively on how an ethnic minority seeks to protect its identity within the indigenous majority, so elements of culture and traditional values are clung on to, to such an extent that people forget why they are clinging on to these values, its just that they feel if they let go, they let go of their identity. And thus we have the them and us mentality, ‘they’ being the strange foreign people, who want to strip us of our identity and who look down on us, ‘they’ have no morals or respect for us. Whilst ‘us,’ we have traditions, and values, and core beliefs and we do not allow our women to dress dishonourably for they should be respected etc etc. But this is not true. It is a social construct created to protect communities from invasion or assimilation.
So when we hear of the opposition and conflict that is caused in a house, when an adolescent asian girl decides to wear ‘western clothing,’ this is why it is so, (well this is my attempt to rationalise it.) It is a fear of losing one’s identity. But an identity is not a construct of clothing, nor should it be. But that is something to ponder over at a later time.
What struck me most, regarding the Shafilea case were three major points,
The first being the fact that her parents allegedly murdered her
The second being that they allegedly murdered her in front of her siblings
and thirdly that her running away was a common fact and knowledge to the community around her
Firstly as a parent I cannot begin to comprehend how you can murder your child, seriously, there are times when you get annoyed or irritated or even possibly angry but to physically end the life of your own is just beyond understanding. Yet what scares me, is the fact that there will be some parents, who will have heard about this case and will have said, ahhh but she asked for it, she was going AWOL, what did she expect, her poor parents what must they have endured. Trust me, when I say, they’re will be parents who will sympathise, maybe not publicly but privately absolutely. Don’t be so shocked, after all I am speaking of a community where Honour killings are on the increase and issues of forced marriage and sexual abuse are denied or ignored. You see, Shafilea’s parents will be excused by some because they acted to ‘preserve their honour.’ Preserve their honour within their family or community. Now let me tell you this.
THERE IS NO HONOUR IN KILLING YOUR DAUGHTER. THERE IS NO HONOUR IN MURDER. THERE IS NO HONOUR IN ABUSE.
secondly to commit the murder in front of the siblings (if this is is found to be true), screams only one thing, deterrence. They would have only performed the vile act of insanity in front of their other children to send a message and to instil fear. Instil the fear that if they behaved or followed in the footsteps of Shafilea they would end up like her. So they set a precedent.
Thirdly, and it is this that really perturbs me, in one or two articles, Shafilea’s sister said in court, that her parents instructed her to tell people that Shafilea had ran away AGAIN, and that would or should have kept people quiet. What bugs me, is the fact that this girl was clearly unhappy, clearly in a violent household, had ran away several times, yet had received NO HELP. In fact the simple fact that she ran away was so normal and accepted that even her teachers took it with no question. And this is what worries me. How many girls are in abusive situations and are looking for help, yet are being neglected.
Do i feel it is the job of the community to help girls like Shafilea before it is too late, ABSOLUTELY. But the emphasis should not just lie on the Asian community, you see we desperately need women’s movement, but we need help to initiate that movement. We require help from men and women from all races, who have experience in dealing with situations like this so that we can prevent another murder from occurring. We need help in examining the root of the problem so we can help families understand that they cannot repress their daughters. We need to educate our men and women so that they are proud of their identity but not blindly, proud because they understand who they are isn’t defined by what they wear or how they look.
I worry that we have so much work to do, and the longer time we take to do it, more girls are falling victims. I do have hope, because I know they’re are passionate individuals out there desperate to make a change.
On a final note I would like to pay my respects to Shafilea Ahmed, and every other woman who has been murdered so DISHONOURABLY. You are heroines in my eyes, I feel guilty on behalf of my community for neglecting you, for not standing by your side and guiding you. May you rest in eternal peace, for surely after hardship comes ease-That is a promise made by the Lord you have returned to. Go your legacy remains, you will motivate us to act and to save others before they too become narratives that we seek to understand.
Truer words have never been spoken. Where you talked about what parents and other people would say about her, I can really imagine that. People would just say that she should have respected her parents and that she killed herself, they’d say all these things just so that the girl who dared to stray from the norms of her culture gets the blame. I think we really do need to do something about all this, because God knows how many more people this will happen to. It could even be happening right now, but no one takes any notice; no one cares. Shafilea will have a better life in the next world, she deserves it.
I am deeply moved by what you have said. Shafilea must have had a very strong character if the only way they could stop her being herself was to kill her. As you say there is only dishonour in murdering someone. How cruel it is for people who perceive that that British mainstream culture is corrupt but still expect their children be unaffected by it. Would it fair for young people to ask their parents why they came to Britain if the culture was so bad? Perhaps organisations like http://www.sharan.org.uk/ might help but how do you get the message through? Regards sanardy.
Very thoughtful & well-written piece. I particularly appreciated you starting your analysis using the Maria Stern paper as it’s so difficult to conceive such a barbaric act. But as you say, this gives a glimmer of understanding, while not excusing. Your three points are also v pertinent. You presumably know the work of Jasvinder Sanghera at Karma Nirvana: http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk? She took years to penetrate the powers that be (police etc) with her message but I think she has support now from the wider community who kept away from the issue before because of multicultural sensitinvity. I’m shocked that honor killings are on the increase.
Sabbiyah, why are you not a public speaking figure??
Your words are so poignant and very moving – you speak frankly and honestly about Asian Culture and are able to recognise that the things that are often accepted by many are unacceptable, often very shameful behaviours.
Western Culture suffers from many, many problems, all or most of which are public – and as a Western Woman I can speak for the diminishing majority in that how some western people behave, live or treat others is not acceptable, should not be accepted and wont ever be accepted by most and that whilst there are people like ourselves there is at least some hope.
No matter the Culture, or whether it is infused with the teachings of any religion, the fundamental basis of being a responsible parent is to instill morals, manners and compassion, to provide above all security, teach your child to be the best they can be, to believe in who they are and themselves and to never be afraid to so.
Giving children excellent foundations to build on, will ultimately not give you a perfect child or even a less worrying time as they grow up, but it will give you faith and trust in the child you love so much, that they will ultimately chose the right path, whether they briefly wander off course or not.
I can understand why many cultures fear the freedom of the Western Culture, why much of it is not what even westerners want for their children, but children/young adults questioning themselves or trying to find answers about who they are is natural. It does not mean that this child will do wrong. Trying to completely hide your daughter or son from the lives of people who share their schools and communities is unrealistic and can ultimately make the forbidden attractive.
We need to expose the wrong in all Cultures, be open, honest and my goodness – just be united as human beings and help each other in ensuring that any man, woman or child is never subjected to the abuse and violence behind closed doors and that no rhyme or reason should ever make the murdering of anybody, least of all your own child “understandable”, to educate people and prove that by turning a blind eye it doesnt go away, it gets worse and now that poor girl has gone, so brutally and violently infront of her siblings, who will be haunted for the rest of their lives and be burdoned by the “what if” guilt that should never be theirs to bare. Most importantly by supporting these abusers these girls will already feel shunned by their Community, often to the point of no return, so rather than supporting them, guiding them and protecting them if they do not end up dead they end up disgraced and pushed into the exact Culture we wanted them to avoid.
You are the future voice of the Asian Community. Educating people of all Cultures. Prejudice is born through ignorance and speaking out to show that we all as people share a common ground breeds understanding about a Culture who’s reputation, that quite frankly and honestly was unexcusabley destroyed in one day by the same extremists that made the “sheep” of this world distrust and hate all those associated with Asia & Islam. Nearly 11 years on the Governments of the world have done little to restore any of it.
You could, by publishing your articles.
I live in a high Asian Community, all my life – to me it was just my town, my friends. Whilst I have many Asian friends, there is a happy medium about what boundries they have as far ensuring their actions would not compromise their integrity within the closer community. Western friends attend Asian Weddings and vice versa. When we heard the EDL were coming to our town, we lined the streets outside OUR Mosques, Businesses to make a defiant stand against this group that was not welcome here. Life is not perfect here and we dont all live in unified bliss, there is racism and ignorance, like every where – but fogetting culture or religon, its about getting on with people because they are good people – and thats what makes community. I would be devastated my friends suffered abuse like this and we couldnt not help her =o( there is no excuse for this.
May Shafilea Ahmed rest in peace, may she be free from hurt and God Bless Her & may he bring peace to her siblings xx
Can you say this:
“The first being the fact that her parents murdered her
The second being that they murdered her in front of her siblings”
*before* a verdict has been given? Do you not have to put “allegedly…” before it?
I too am haunted by the case of Shafilea Ahmed. Even the little information provided in press reports of the court proceedings have highlighted too many distressing things about the wretchedly sad life that this girl must have led over her 17 years.
There are many shocking things that we have heard from the witnesses, such as the complicity of her siblings in her murder, the very matter-of-fact way that her parents are alleged to have finally done away with her, the knowledge not just in the local Pakistani community but also among her teachers and schoolmates that she was an abused child, the inability of local services or concerned others to help her.
But from what I have heard, this killing has nothing to do with honour. (In fact none of these killings are really about honour.) That is a convenient story which the family will call upon to gain their community’s support. This child’s parents punished her for the crime of transgressing against their need to maintain absolute control over their children. This may be commoner among Asian families, but it is not exclusively an Asian phenomenon. Shafilea was an abused child suffering within a very familiar pattern of abuse and scapegoating, which her sisters’ testimonies show was long-standing and dated from when she was a small child. Shafilea’s murder is therefore little different from that of Baby P.
I note that Shafilea’s parents and the Rochdale child sex ring leader both played the ‘racism’ card when accused, as if their crimes (admittedly yet to be supported by a court verdict in the Ahmeds’ case) were somehow mitigated by this. That is vile hypocrisy.
The final irony is how the Ahmeds seem to have failed to eradicate decadence, whether Westernised or not, in their family as a result of killing one child. I note with sadness and amazement the criminal activities of the remaining children – burglary, drug-dealing and abuse – and wonder whether these parents ever had any moral compass of any kind.